Motherhood has always been a juggling act for me. When my firstborn was young, I really attempted to make the juggle appear seamless. Look at me – I can have a career, remain in fabulous shape, parent a young child and be a wife. I had it all! Except the thing is, no one has it all. I pushed myself to exhaustion, asked too much of my spouse and missed some key moments in my Aiden’s first year. Every person you follow on social media, every star, NO ONE HAS IT ALL. Some can fake it, some can maybe believe it for a time. But, juggling is a fine art that only works when every ball is moving in harmony. If I have learned anything about parenting, that is simply not reality.
At this point, my oldest is four and a half and my youngest is three months. Today I have cried because I felt like I was failing with my oldest and cried out of frustration that my youngest only wants me to entertain/nurse him around the clock (not happy with anyone else) – which is exhausting. Today, in a weak moment, I went onto social media and saw people at dinner together, on trips, and felt so completely alone. I know from parenting Aiden that this season is temporary. The time when your little requires you all day long does end and a season of a bit more freedom returns. But, even knowing this logically, I still felt a bit empty tonight. I miss my friends. I miss quiet and calm. I miss clothes fitting and my body. I miss running as a stress reliever and relaxing coffee dates. I miss feeling like me. I know some sense of normal will return at some point and like any season, this one will pass. But right now, in this moment, this season is a bit hard.
I will never again attempt to appear that my juggling act is seamless. I recognize that if one area in my life is thriving, often times another is suffering. Social media is a wonderful thing, but it tends show a rosy reality that may only capture part of a picture.
I have two boys that love me very much and an incredible husband. I also have nights where dinner consists of red wine and red vines. Some days I get in a wonderful workout and other days, simply going through the motions of the day is exhausting enough.
I hope that one day I can invest in the friendships that I so miss, that my boys will know that at the very least, their mom tried, that I am a good partner for my spouse and that I can fit in some career around all of that. But for tonight, the juggling act feels a bit half-hearted and there does not seem to be a lot of balance.