For the first time in as many years as I can remember, I am not setting New Year’s Resolutions. One thing I am doing is journaling more. Some I am planning on sharing.
January 6, 2017
It’s such an erie feeling when you have a life altering experience and then go to the grocery store or a coffee shop and realize that no one knows.
After I had my first son and was discharged from the hospital before he was, I remember walking into a Safeway to buy a soda and getting to the cash register and having a name tag on from the NICU at the hospital. The checker asked if I came from visiting someone at the hospital. I couldn’t even process what to say. I wanted to scream that part of me was there and I wasn’t visiting and that none of that had gone as planned and I was really scared.
Instead, I just smiled and said yes.
Recently, I had another life altering moment. A second where I realized I had pushed myself a bit too far and lost myself in the process. I had the same feeling the next day going to work, to coffee, to the store. No one knew. I, in so many ways, felt woken up and scared and different than I was the day before but no one could see it.
In a lot of ways, having no one know felt very dishonest to me. People make comments to me, from time to time, that I seem like I have it all together. I always stumble through an awkward response but really I hate that comment so much. If I have it all together with my outfit, then guaranteed there is some other crucial thing was probably dropped – I snapped at the boys, I forgot my lunch, I spilled my smoothie in my car, etc.
Most days, I am drowning and I try to hide it but I also hate that I hide it as well as I sometimes do. Why wouldn’t I be honest and show that this stage of life is not easy? That I envy others who can sleep when they are sick, or workout without the realization that kids at home may be missing me. My life is wonderful, don’t get me wrong but it is not perfect and especially lately… lately this has been hard.
I’m not going to start unloading on innocent grocery store workers, but, I also refuse to keep up appearances either. I don’t have it all together. I’m struggling, I’m not good at asking for help and some days I can’t see past the immediate stress of my day.